Free write...

I feel like I'm on auto piolet, this sucks. it hurts. I finally get rid of jon and tell candace how I feel about her. i thought things would get better i guess, that she would magically fall in love with me and that we would be together forever and not have any problemos. wrong. i don't think I'll ever have a chance withher. i think she's trying to get rid of me, but I can't really tell. i can never tell with that girl. ever. shes's moody and more than a bit damaged. I love her though, more than I ever should have let myself, but then again you don't really get a choice in who you love, who you love who you love ugh love sucks. i hate that i love jon but that he's not good for me, and that he's still holding on. i was expecting him to leave completely to be so mad and urt that it wouldn't be a problem moving on. but no. he's holding on. that's why i need to get away. i'm running away from my problems, but not really because i am gaining experience and meeting new people and it might help, it will help it has to help because i need to figure out who i am and what i'm doing here. i feel like i'm stuck. like i'm just doing what i have to to get by and nothign more. and i don't knwo how to change that. i am beginning to hatemyself, the more people like me, the less im am who i am i think and i don't like that eeling. i want to be loved and love and be happy and not have half the problems i have for so long. this isn't all true though i guess. i like to be liked. i don't do very good at making people happy. i'm a pain in the ass . i whine. i'm compulsive. i'm crazy and loud and lazy and unmotivated and ugly. strange and moody and obcessive. i fall in love too easily and get hurt too deeply. but i'm only human and it's all i know how to be. humans are so flawed i don't even want to be one naymore. i want to be a dog. i like dogs. or a ccat. cats have it easy. but i'm a human, i'll make the best of it i suppose. it's time to lose weight. i can't stop eating, that's no good. i can't puke because that's gross. i guess i'll have to do it the right way. boo hiss. i need to workout. lots. so that's going to be on my agenda tonight, making a plan! woot
i miss my bubby he's so far away. too far away. i just wnat to hear his voice. i want to feel his body benethe my fingers and know that he is alive and breathing. i need my boy back. :( I would be content for the rest of my life if i could marry him tomorrow. he's a pain in my butt, but i love him more than life itself.

This isn't feeling as good as i thought it would. i give up for tonight.

I designed this at Converse.com

I designed this at Converse.com

I don't really have the energy for a free write.

But I have things to talk about and they will be on here very soon.

I am crazy.

Yes Ma'am!!

Clearly I am Fucking Nuts.

Did i realy just agree to this? why didn't i just drop it when I had the chance a fucking slumber party of course it's going to be fucking awkward. fuck my life why can't things just do what they're supposed t once in a while> i just want to be happy i want to be loved and I want to not feel like i'm losing control everysecond of every day. I'm so eager to please. I so terribly wan tto make him happy that i will do anything and put myself through anything just to make him happy. and i odn't evenknow why.
i miss my bubby i liked it better with him sleeping right next to me, being abe to hear him breathe and feel him twitch in his sleep. just knowing he wa sthere was so comforting and it let me knwo that he was ok. if he's with me, i can take care of it, if he's not that means he has to take care of himself, which he's terrible at. nearl nine years. that's almost half of my life. he's my boy the love of my life if he could just see things my way we'd be set! still i love him so much. i can't even imagine being his mother. she must be beyond herslf. then again she's a much stronger person tan i'll ever be. he'll be ok he'll be ok he'll be ok he has to be i can't go through life knowing my boy isn't ok. I need him to be ok. I think i'm going to write him letters reliving old memories and sending encouraging words. we'll see. bah. i need to learn to type better. this is pathetic.

Free write dos turns out the first wasn't long enough.

so i showed the first of my free writes to mikey he was excited to bementioned hes so damn cute! he agreed that i sound a bit crazzy but hey we're all a bit crazy i think. this nursing stuff is driving me super ultra crazy. i finished out the paper i originally failed i would have made it better still but with a page limit it's just not possible. i hate page limits. i used to be able to do just the minimum but with these papers and their schmancy formattign i just cant i want to write annd write and write and not care i want to write for pleasure for the feeling of having words flowing fro my brain and taking up space where some might just read them and understand some how no one can understand me never veer ever vever ever its just not possible it;s just not i want to be loved. i want to be given flowers and a shiny ring and have the american dream even if i can't have my own babies i want to buy beautiful babies until now jon has been a part of this vision and he still could be i suppose ut not with the way he keep vascilating and changing his mind i want him to want me all the time and accept me and just uderstand and i don't really thin its possible i need to start working on my rehire portfolio and this nursing portfolio and i donnt even like that word it's evil it means extra work and sadness for my brain. mine is going to look so damn shitty because i dont have the time nor the money to make it looks as good as some of the other girls will.. they're so perfect i don't know how they do it it just kicks my ass maybe it's because i'm overwhelmed or lazy or both and it's just not good it never works works works works i love this job it is fun at its good times and kicks my ass the rest of the time but i wouldn't trade it. i need this job i can't possibly comeback here and keep pay exhorbitant amounts of money for this school without this job. mikey went to bed i miss him already he's so sweet and wonderful breakfast i need to stop eating i love food but it does horrible nasty things to my body and it's just awful. i sdon't want to be dat any more i want to be beautful so mikey or caleb or jon or whoever marries me will be happy and sex will be easier and i will be able to buy cute clothes and not feel like a walking lump of shit anymore. it just sucks but its so hard to do i never have time i want to lift weight s and run and shit but i don't have time. i know i'll feel good afterwards, btu i just have no motication to get shit done. i need to finish mikey's letter. poor guy. i held out on cody for a long time and i finally wrote jon back but i wrote him abotu sex and my thumb and shit and now that we're no longer hving sex according to him it's jst going to be embaressign for im to read it. i like sex. i like pleasing him and i finally started to orgasm i don't think i'll ever ever ver have a real orgasm unless i marry someone well hung with good fingers... i hope that's the case. i would love to experience what others have experienced. experience experience experience i don't knwo what i'm gettign from this college experience other than mental illness idk if i'm actually mentally ill of course but between picking my arms a food addiction that just wont quit emotional eating and just feeling like a crazy person it's just possible. possible possible possible possible idk what is possible anymore it feels like there is no real way of knwing either because consciousness is so relative. it could all be fake what is fake i do not knwo what fake is fake fake fake fake i wish cody could see what i see. he's so smart and kind but he's so convinced that no person will ever want him and that he will be alone forever i just don't get it it's awful how low his self esteem is he lies to have his ego stroked ive noticed but i love him all the same i'm luckto have him as a friend because he takes good care of me usually. he'll talk to me on the phone finally which is so sweet since he doesn't like talkign on the phone he worries me though i think he is depressed i think jon is depressed too if he wasn't so stubborn i would suggest that he see a counselor because he worries me sometimes i don't hink he would run away from me quite so often if he saw one or maybe he'd leave completely who knows not me i don't undestand his sometimes caleb i miss him so much i wish he woul just hurry up and love me already but i know that won't happen i'm the best friend not the girl friend and i am doomed to live in the friendzone forever. it scares em to death that he's leaving i want to keep him safe and not have him come home wit ptsd and be strange and scared and scarred for life. i love him so so so so sos o much he is my best friend of the male kind and i don't know what i would do without him. he cant die he cant die he cant die he just cant fucking die i love him to much i need him i my life i need him to take care fo my and make sure i'm ok. he's my best friend my bubby and i love him i've loved him since we were in middle school. i've wanted to give that damn boy a kiss for so long a realone not one on his cheek not just a hug a fucking kiss. kiss kiss kiss kiss but i've never been good enough nor will i ever be. he'd rather be with pretty little dumb blondes that he can take care of and treat like dolls. i just want him to love me. he says he does but that's friend love. i'm ok with friend love but not all the time i want real love. i'd give my life for him without a second thought he's a part of me who i am what i've become i don't like what i am. but it's all i;ve got. my fingers are so cold i can barely stand it. but i must keep going i'm writing for hat sanity i can hold on to i wish this jon stuff would fix itself. i love him i love him i love him i love him but i know its not healthy at all. it hurts a lot and i just have no options but to keep going down the path and hope everything works out ok. i need a flashign arrow a sign that tells me which way to go and give me a little something to go on. it's so quiet down here. i hate it i want the people back i'd ever take thign ping poning again just to feel less alone. i don't understand nicole she's such an enigm i like her and she 's un to be with but she is an odd ass duk. i should go to sleep. sleep sleep sleep. but who has time for slepp? who has time for this? I certainly downt but here you see me writing like a fool just blabbering away hoping for the best. there's somuch i need to do this week and i need to prepare for things and go places and be busy constantly and i just don't want to i want to be a chld with a simple life and just pretend and be happy and have birds and cats and rocks and happy things. i feel like a couselor could help me but at the same time what the fuck good would it do? it would just be me blabbering shit and cryign anf whining and worrying and existing and it would just hurt. i can't stand taryn's bf i think he's unstable and child ish and rude. she wants so badly to just be loved that her judgement is clouded and she's going to end up doing somethig she regrets she shouldn't marry him. he's controlling in a passive agressive whiny style that oculd probably convince her to do anythign and that scares me. she's smart and has a good future ahead of her if she stays on track and doesn't do anythign stupid. like get marrie dt a douche or have his babies. i want o castrate him. she should not have to give up the weddign she ha salways wanted and have her college dreams potentially sideswiped but his pathetic childlike lamentations and percieved needs. i don't give a damn if his foot hurts man up and stop being a pussy ass little bitch. stop drinking to forget everything because you know tha tthat turns into? alcoholism! and she makes excuses for him. he is twenty fuckign years old it's not his buddy's fault he drank it's his! he never should have gone through her texts and mistrusted her. he never should have guilted her about being in the clear. she doens't need to be pregnant right now. period end of story. can't feel fingers must keep typing. onthe plus side when i can't feel my fingers the swelling in my thumb goe sdown. i am so scared because dad doesn't have a job. the money mom makes won't even be enough to feed the boys. i bet they are glad i am here because they don't have to buy anythign special or healthy for me this makes me sad what are thanksgivign and christmas going to be like? i  got mom those two books and i think she'll really like them. dad told me not to get anythign for him. i don't know what to get for jon. idk if phil will even be able to wear what i got him and some bitch just went down to the basement. idk what the fuck she thiks she's doign but i do not have the fucking energy to go track her dumb ass down. gr gr gr gr gr gr gr why is it this late already! the whole night has been slow i've been here for hours and now is when it decides to go faster. there can't be anythign good going on in the basememtn. damn freshmen. i just don't care right now. it's so har dot care when you're exhausted and bored and sad and mad and god only knows what else. i just don't want to feel right now. i don't want to feel lonely an djilted. i want to feel loved and wanted and safe and well ested. i can sleep when i'm dead though i guess. i need it to be a decent week. i need the girls tojust attempt to get along and not argue or send snarky tests and jsut deal. i need clinicals to go well. i need to get everything fuckign done do i don't have to worry so damn much and just live. i'm starting to get really distraacted. idk. maybe it's time for bed. why does my mind keep going back to jonand mikey? mostly jon with a hint of mikey mixed in. if only canada weren'tso far away i'd be so much happier. and if jon would just hurry up and love me forever i'd be happier too.  i think it's time for me to go to bed. i'm starting to type more uninhibitedly and i never sya anythig nice when i do that.... good night.

free write.

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh no sex what the fuck that is not our main connection nt to me its not! I don't understand why you do this to me. seesaw back and forth back and forth back and forth it's not fair in the least you let me fall in love over and over and then something totally at random will crawl up your ass and make my life so much harder i cant take much harder these girls are crazy nursing school is killing me i cant keep up i can't keep up i can't keep up i want to fall in lov e and be in love and stay in love i want love that doesn't confuse the shit out of me that makes me feel safe. i'm not sure why it's so hard to find. i love mikey. that's right i said it. he's so sweet. he's weird and smart and love music and has a rockin mustache. but i don't love him like you do. not yet. if ever i want to love i want to feel the thrill of thinking abotu forvever and wondering if it will ever get better than that. but right now i'm stuck in limbo ium stuck wondering what will be if 'll survive tis mess if i'm sane if i ever was sane. i hate writing like this i hope no one in the meeesssage reads this wouldn;t that be embarressing the ping pong sound is driving me nuts how can they possibly ping and pong for so long ugh i dont even know what i want any more i love jon so fucking much but he doesnt know what he wants and its leaving me hanging in the balance and that is one of the worst feelings ever i just wnat an answer somethig that is going to be for sure and for certain. i'm so damn fat it's no wonder i cant find a man tha t wants me mikey says i'm cute and that it doesnt matte what i look llie but i know it does sex is impossible with no physical attraction that's biology for you. science is keeping things realistic but its also making it hard to keep believing why cant god just let me in on somethig? i want so much to beleive in him  but when he leaves me feeling so lost and alone i cant help but wonder why i;m here. why things feel so emprty why he cant just give me a nudge in the right direction. i don't know who i am anymore. this persona is one i am not so sure of. i don't under stand it i just float through time time time time my time isnt my own anymore it belongs to everyone but me it belongs to my girls who i love so much it belongs to jon to school to my friends to nursing to facebook to paper to my hone to antying and everything but myself and i hate it i never feel in control i feel like i am constant tripping through itme and space i don't even knwo if i really ahve friends any mroe. i have tarynand savannah and lena and jon caleb nicole danielle and i dont knwo who else it's hard to tell who actually loves me and wants to be my friend and who just tolerates me. most people just oerate me they like my cooking and i do things for them but i really just irritate them and talk and complain to much and whine and whine and whine surprise surprise. not really i'm no good ust a fuck up really. and now my alarm went off. his ring tone. why do i do this to myself. it's like a damn pavlov experiment. his ring tone goes off and i jump. fuck my life.



Disclaimer: I really can type and know proper English, but in a free write you just go and don't stop to fix things or think too much.